*originally published on Cosmopolitan UK
At the end of 2019 I felt emotionally exhausted and wasn’t sure why. I remember low points like sobbing in my seat at the back of the bus, unable to contain myself. This was tragic but hilarious, as someone coming up to sit at the top deck of the bus went back down after witnessing my meltdown. During the day, I fought to get through my tasks on autopilot. And at night, if I wasn’t distracted, I’d struggle to fall asleep without the burden of racing thoughts.
I would lay in bed panicking: am I a bad girlfriend if I reply to texts late? Am I a terrible friend for cancelling plans? Am I a bad daughter if I’m struggling in my university course? I knew something wasn’t right and my relationships were giving me more anxiety than joy. Later, I would realise that I was grappling with what it meant to be a good girlfriend, a good friend, and a good girl.
The ‘good girl complex’ is made up of widespread social behaviours internalised by young women. From childhood, many women are socialised to please others, at the cost of their own wellbeing or needs.
We see this social pressure to please at home, in educational institutions, and in the workplace. As Gerda Lerner mentions in The Creation of Patriarchy, gender is a "costume, mask, a straitjacket" that drives people’s actions. This phrase highlights the way that gender acts as a restraining force, especially for women. Though gender expectations make human behaviour predictable, their demands on women are exhausting. The ‘normal’ behaviour expected of women is exceptionally extreme.
Female politicians, for example, feel pressure to present themselves as likeable in a way that male politicians do not. They emphasise their relationships with men, especially if they’re married. We see this with politicians like Hillary Clinton with her Twitter bio containing the normative labels of "Mom, Wife, Grandma". Examples like this expose the way that female worth and likability is defined by who we can be to others. Men are not questioned as much when they take decisions for themselves. But female ‘selfishness’ can be a social death sentence.
"We learn in infancy about how to be in a relationship, how to respond and what to expect from others in our adult lives and this ‘knowledge’ is stored in our implicit memory and is a lifelong unconscious psychological driver," says COSRT accredited psychologist Susan Pacey, of the phenomenon.
So how did the pressure to be a 'good girl' have me at breaking point?
My whole life I had felt like I had to tick boxes to manufacture my worth. There was a toxic whirlwind of good girl propaganda floating in my subconscious. Good girls get good grades, so you’re less worthy if you don’t. Smile and laugh at the guest’s bad jokes at dinner because that’s what good girls do. Don’t express strong views in conversations, that’s bad. I had many experiences of being shamed for taking up space, sharing my voice, and not being nice enough.
I recall simple things like wanting to eat a snack by myself being turned into debates of my so-called morality. If I didn’t want to share, these situations ended in a condemnation of my selfishness and hideous moral decay. Doing things solely for my benefit was often questioned by those around me. Actions that didn’t serve others were questioned: Why and how are you worthy of this? These experiences left me deeply wounded by and afraid of being called ungrateful, selfish and cold. And this meant my romantic relationships and friendships reflected this fear.
It’s not like I wasn’t used to resenting people I loved. TV, books and popular discourse had taught me that good women sacrifice, they are loyal no matter what. Watching movie after movie where a woman dropped an amazing career for a relationship showed the language of allowing that surrounds women today. The world was screaming: If you’re good, you just could get a bit of love.
Although my anxieties were influenced by gender pressures, they were also complicated by race. As a Black woman, I’ve experienced the strange and unwarranted judgement the world puts on us. Don’t be too loud, don’t ask for too much, any attention you have must be savoured. Looking back, I think I had a warped perception of the world that made me think I should be grateful to be cared for.
And so in my romantic relationship, I unconsciously employed shame and rejection avoiding tactics. I would ask for some of the things I wanted and needed, but withheld others. I didn’t want to push for "too much" for fear of seeming ungrateful or demanding. I told myself that I needed to sacrifice some things to keep the relationship going. I became selective over what I would be argumentative about, in an attempt to be loved.
This all stemmed from a sense of feeling grateful for love, which I thought was something to be earned. Thoughts would race through my mind like, "He’s so kind and attentive, why not agree to watch this movie I don’t like?". But, I was so busy trying not to be rejected that I slowly became resentful. I resented how much I rolled over in order to be loved. I felt pathetic. But a good girl’s pride is in how much she can bend and shrink for those she loves.
And so, after a little more than a year in the relationship, I realised the toll the good girl complex was taking on me. I was lost, anxious and emotionally drained. I had been on autopilot, acting out on unconscious ideas of what it meant to be worthy of love as a woman.
Looking back, although it was unhealthy, I understand why things played out the way they did. I was finding the academic intensity of university really difficult and he made me feel less alone. It felt like he gave me momentary breaks from the hard work I invested in my courses.
My relationship almost reached breaking point because of these realisations. But early on this year, after a short break, my boyfriend and I decided to give things another try.
I came to realise that the thing about the good girl complex is that it is complicated, and relationships involve multiple imperfect people. Both of us had been extremely comfortable. And I can’t - and don't - blame him for receiving all the love that I had to give, because I also created the impression that giving my all was no big deal.
This time around, we’ve prioritised honesty and reciprocity. Because by striving to always be a good girl, I was being dishonest about my needs and expectations. I’ve also learned to self-soothe my anxious fixations and love sustainably. He has learned to provide affirmation and care while protecting his wellbeing, too.
And instead of bending over backwards to hold onto love, I tried coming to terms with my fear of rejection. This work was hard but it taught me that self-reflection and setting boundaries is the antidote to the good girl complex. I had to realise that my worth and value as a person doesn’t fluctuate because of external factors. I also had to teach myself how to say no, even if I knew people would be disappointed. And the more I did it, the easier it became.
Relationship therapist Cate Mackenzie says it is possible to protect your wellbeing in the face of social pressures to be a good girl. “Create a morning practice to help ground yourself each day - tips meditating, writing, exercise, affirmation,” she says. “Create ways to come back to your body - that calms down the amygdala (the fire alarm system) and helps to align the insular (the calming down part of the brain). If you aren’t able to afford therapy, Google ‘low cost counselling’ or low cost services like the Psychosynthesis Trust, she adds.
Now, I refuse to feel shame about my struggles with the good girl complex. With the knowledge that I internalised harmful ideas, I only try to be more accepting and kind to myself. And, now that I’m better at gatekeeping my wellbeing, I have more space to love and actually show up for others.
All my relationships are better for it. I cancel less plans since I know I can live up to most of the plans I make. My relationship with my boyfriend finally feels sustainable now that we aim for honest communication. We are no longer afraid to be realistic about just how much we can give and what we need in return. But most of all, my relationship with myself is much better without the weight of unhealthy expectations. After all, being a good girl doesn’t pay if you’re living for everyone but yourself.