A poem about how social media impacts mental health
Mirrorland/ Will I ever be enough? by Funmi Lijadu
My bed
You’re just like the ocean.
Well, not really
Just overwhelming,
Forever awash
With tears overdue.
You creak and heave
At the weight of me
Tormented
Things that were said.
But you’re so uncomplaining in your motions
Like the sun bowing down gracefully
Making way for the moon.
My altar of self-loathing
Soft, unforgiving,
Accommodating yet hostile
I know you can’t keep the thoughts from me
I writhe and writhe in these suffocating sheets
Till I’m weak and drift carelessly into sleep
I hate to pull myself from you
You’re my escape
A bitter truth.
Harsher truths find me
When I leave you
Embarking on journeys less comforting
(You’re the only one that stretches
To make space for me)
Mirrorland is never kind
Presenting myself to the one sided pane
Gazing wistfully at the luminous rectangular mirror
I hold in my palm for too long
Yes. scroll and see those fleeting visions
Flashing, dazzling, reflecting in your eyes
Do you know how my eyes water for you?
Focused on you in the unforgiving dark
I follow, I envy, I like, I like, I dislike, I unlike.
Yes! Today
you can buy this
and be happy?
Happy, until you see that post
Convinces you you’re not enough
(You’ll be back tomorrow!)
Wish we could all be hashtag ‘blessed’
Wonder how many ‘best lives’ truly exist
What horrors are hiding behind the screen?
Late-night-thinking of my next plot to make them jealous
A harmless little show
Something to remind them that I’m here.
(even though I’m drowning)
(should be sleeping but can’t)
Mirrorland oppresses me,
Reminding me of everthing
I don’t have
I need to be.
Everything I haven’t been
I keep going back
Pathetic.
(like a moth to a flame, you never learn)
Sigh.
Wander lazily
From the digital to the physical
To that lonely rectangular glass frame
On the wall
It waits for me
Day and night we do a pretty dance
I twist and turn from myself
It keeps still, all-knowing.
Who is she?
Catching myself in the light
Looking for what I want to see
Looking for something different
A half-truth
Never enough
Maybe if I look long enough
I’ll like what I see
Sigh.
Stare and stare
For what feels like a year
But nothing changes in mirrorland
It hides nothing
(But you already knew that)
I walk from my reflection
(Too much for me)
Sigh.
I drag my feeble frame
I climb and fall back into you.
(You’ll be back tomorrow)
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The poem explores the fleeting solace offered by my bed from downturns in my mental health as well as the way in which social media affects me in terms of the overload of information as well as the unhealthy comparison it catalyses. ‘Mirrorland’ is a reference to Yrsa Daley Ward’s book the Terrible where she talks about how the mirror can be a place of oppression and fuel negative attitudes towards the body, and fear. So the title Mirrorland/Will I ever be enough? explores the bed and the mirror (smartphones and physical mirrors) and how these environments differ in terms of their impact on mental health.